The Lich King Saga
by Saint Izzy
Summary: Imagine The Lich King. Now imagine insanity. Now imagine insanity inside the Lich King. Now imagine an army of undead so big it could rival your mother's weight. Scared yet? Note: Reviews make me work faster!
1. Eradication

Eradication

Episode One of the Lich King Saga

The Frozen wastes of Northrend were cold...very cold. In fact, they were so cold you might say that they were the perfect temperature to keep ice cream in. This was untrue, as the ice cream bucket would most likely freeze to a point of shattering—and I know plastic doesn't freeze, but plastic hasn't been invented yet! Ice cream buckets are still made from glass.

As cold as the frozen wastelands were, they were nowhere as cold as Arthas's, or should we say, the Lich King's heart. Since the fight against Illidan at the frozen throne, Arthas was never quite himself again. Sure, he enjoyed going out and setting flame to unexpecting villages just to raise their dead into his armies, but the sheer pleasure of this seemed to be lost. I suppose when one's soul is binded with an ancient orcish shaman who engineered the bane of all living life to appease his demon masters, then one doesn't get the job satisfaction that he used to.

None of these semi-philosophical thoughts occurred to Arthas today. Today, Arthas (and coincidently Ner'zhul) was thinking about how strange undead gnomes were. Normal gnomes were strange enough, but when combined with rotting limbs, pale skin, and a want to poison living creatures, it was enough to creep even the Lich King himself out.

Sighing, he called in his personal assistant Gruk to the frozen throne room. The Lich King never knew if Gruk was his real name or not. Gruk was simply what the assistant had said when he had been asked his name. Of course, he had just been brought back from the dead two seconds prior to this question, and gruk was one of the things that people tended to say when newly raised from the dead.

"Gruk! Good to see you," Arthas said, from behind his icy mask. "I need to talk to you about gnomes!"

"Gnomes, sir?"

"Yes, gnomes. Living or not living, as a matter of fact. Well, they'd actually both be living in this case, as undead is still a form of life…anyways, discussing what our undeath is or is not is not why I called you here," Arthas looked from side to side around the room. "You see, Gruk…the thing is, gnomes creep me out. And I want them all killed,"

"Milord, you want everyone killed, and then raised into undeath. Why would I expect gnomes to be any different?" Gruk asked, reattaching an arm that had just fallen off.

"No, you miss my point. I want ALL the gnomes dead. Even ours. Everyone. Gnomes. Dead." Arthas said, nodding at points so that Gruk would understand completely.

Gruk looked at Arthas for a second. "Our gnomes, sir? Are you sure? They are valuable asset to our—"

"YES! I want the damned gnomes dead!" Arthas said. "They creep me out, and they creep out Ner'zhul too!" Arthas was silent for a second. "Yes, right." He said to no one. "Oh, and Ner'zhul wants Mexican food for lunch, as well,"

Still a bit confused, Gruk bowed low, his face falling onto the frozen ground below his head as he did. Picking it up, he turned around and walked out of the throne room. "I guess…if the Lich King wants the gnomes dead, then they die…" he walked into his room to think of creative ways to kill all the undead gnomes that Arthas hated.

Three days later, an army of undead gnomes stood outside the human city of Stormwind. With drool running down their mouths, they were all prepared to perform a suicide rush to the human city. The sun rose above the towers of the city, and the gnomes began their charge. Shouting things like "Brains" and "Flesh", the undead midgets quickly overwhelmed the guards in front of the city.

Looking upon this battle with old stern eyes, General Marcus Jonathan stood at the entrance to the city. With a sigh, he spoke up. "I knew this day would come. I knew it was just a matter of time before an army of undead gnomes came to burn down our fair city." He turned around, and flipped a switch on the walls of Stormwind.

With an extremely loud kaboom, he bridge that lead across the lake in front of Stormwind blew up, sending undead gnomes flying everywhere. The gnomes that still had to reach the bridge just ran off it, falling into the water below and drowning. "Fortunately, I had prepared for the day. Everyone knows undead gnomes can't swim."

And the celebration of Stormwind's victory over the undead gnomes was great. Many beers were drunk, and many Night Elves strip danced. The only problem was that without the bridge, people now had to pay a two silver fee to hire a gryphon master to fly them across the water.

The wooden doors (which were frozen over with ice) of the throne room burst open. "Lord Arthas!" a Lich shouted. "Lord Arthas! The attack on Stormwind failed! The damned general Marcus Jonathan outsmarted us once again!" he shouted again.

"And the gnomes?" Arthas asked, his voice even. "What happened to the gnomes?"

"They've all drowned…or were blown up…and now being used for fertilizer in the humans' fields." The Lich reported.

"YES!!! SCORE ONE FOR ARTHAS THE LICH KING!" Arthas said, jumping out of the Frozen Throne to dance. A disco ball came down from the ceiling, and the lights all dimmed, leaving Arthas doing his manly dance in the dark.

"Sir, you wanted the gnomes to die?" the Lich asked.

"Of course, they creeped me out," Arthas replied, still dancing. "Now, begone. I must plan the next phase of my plan." Arthas said. With a bow, the Lich left, slamming the doors. Two seconds later, the doors opened again.

"Milord!" Gurk shouted. "Your finest Death Knight is here to see you!"

"Send him in!" Arthas replied, still dancing.

A chill spread over the room, and the disco ball broke due to the cold. With a groan, the iron doors that Arthas had put in creaked open, and an icy mist spread through the room. Death weighed heavily on the mist, and it was obvious that the being who created it had great power. Slowly, the figure who created it came in.

"Oh. My. God." Arthas said, breaking off his dance to look at the Death Knight. "YOU'RE A GNOME!" he shouted, pointing.

"Yes, it is I! The powerful Magkog, first of the Death Knights!" the undead gnome said, hoisting his rune blade high into the air. "I have come to discuss the slaughter of those like me with you, my Lich King!"

"KILL IT!" Arthas shouted. With that command, the doors opened again, and slowly in crept thousands of corpses, barely able to stand. "KILL IT!!" Arthas screamed again.

"Wait, what's going on?" the gnome Death Knight shouted. As the hundred corpses surrounded the gnome, it began screaming in terror. "NOOO!!" It shouted. "I DON'T WANT TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD!!" When the gnome was nothing more than a few crumbs, the living corpses crept out.

"That was a close one," Arthas said. With a sigh, he returned to his chair to read the Sunday paper.


	2. The Annual Evil Bash

Disclaimer: Dispite what you all may think, I do not own the Pepsi company, so stop asking me for free Mountain Dew

Oh, I also don't own any of the names, locations, or…something else in this. Except for maybe Gruk.

The Annual Evil Bash

Episode Two of the Lich King Saga

Every year, Archimonde, Lord of the Burning Legion, somehow came back to life to throw a party, which he called The Annual Evil Bash. The evil guys who Archimonde decided were…evil…enough were invited to the party. Each year, it was held at a different evil layer. The previous year it had been held in Blackrock Spire, and Nefarian had put on quite a show. Arthas was unimpressed, as he believed that his icy home would be superior to the dragon's mountain of fire. In fact, the Lich King bragged about it to Archimonde for most of the party.

And it seemed that Archimonde had believed him. In his hand, Arthas held a slip of paper telling him that he would have to be ready to entertain all the other guests. With grim determination, Arthas looked up. He wasn't expected Archimonde to have the party held in Ice Crown Glacier!

Nevertheless, that was how the cookie just so happened to crumble. In this case, it was actually a big block of ice that Arthas accidently crushed when he stood up. Avoiding slipping, he called Gruk in to discuss their plan. The Lich King's assistant was happy to help, after he reattached his face. "Gruk, I need you to go to town and get these supplies." He said, handing the list to the undead.

Gruk read over it quickly, and then said, "These are all items from a level 7 Blood Elf quest!"

"What? No they aren't! I have enough dignity not to get the same things as those pansies!" Arthas replied, crossing his arms.

With a sigh, Gruk walked out of the building. It was gonna be a long day.

After a few days of running around both Kalimdor and the Eastern Kingdoms, Gruk finally had gotten everything that would be required for the bash. And it was lucky, for the bash happened to be a day after he got everything.

When the time for the party came, every evil-doer arrived dressed in their best clothes. Arthas had even worn a tie over his armor! Illidan came, Archimonde was there, and even Onyxia had shown up, in her human form, of course.

Arthas was really proud of himself, having gotten the party together on such a short notice. He decided to rub it into Nefarian's face. He found the dragon lord, also in his human form, and greeted him with respect in the usual way he greeted the dragon. "Hey, pooplicker! How you likin' the party?"

Nefarian looked at Arthas, then turned away, and muttered something about suicide. Then, regaining his composure, he spoke to Arthas. "Ah, Lich King. Quite the party you've put on. Of course, it can't compare to the bash I held last year."

"Please, pickle lungs, your flaming mountain is nothing compared to my fortress of ice. I haven't been raided once!"

"That's because your expansion pack isn't out yet. You weren't good enough to be released in the original game."

"What? Not good enough!?!? I AM THE GREATEST EVIL DOER IN HISTORY!" Arthas said, throwing his head back in laughter. He didn't even pay attention to Archimonde who was walking up behind him. Without paying attention, Arthas threw his arm back, slamming it into Archimonde who went flying back onto the edge of a table. The table happened to have a cake on it, which was sent flying through the air, splattering on Kael'thas's face, and he stumbled backwards, landed on a table with punch, and it was sent flying into the air, spilling punch everywhere, with the empty bowl knocking crashing into Ragnaros. It shattered when it hit the firelord (who was feeling quite cold, despite being a firelord).

The small afront enraged Ragnaros, who picked up a nearby undead servent and threw him at Kael'thas. Kael'thas was knocked down, right as he got up. With a grunt, he stood up, and kicked Archimonde, who had come over to help him, in the balls.

Archimonde fell to the floor, writhing in pain. In his writhing, he accidently tripped Onyxia. She fell on the ground, which happened to already have Archimonde on it. Her lips met his, and they shared an accidental kiss.

When they both opened their eyes, they immediately both jumped into the air. Then, blushing, they turned away from each other.

"HAHAH! ONYXIA AND ARCHIMONDE! SITTING IN A TREE! K-I-S-S-O-M-G" Arthas screamed. In his taunting, he didn't count on Kael'thas being right in front of him.

"Kael'thas…you fool…I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Archimonde declared, running at Kael'thas. Kael'thas, not understanding what was happening, ran the other way. This started a big fight between the present Blood Elves and Archimonde's fallowers. Soon, everyone else was fighting as well.

Arthas stood in the doorway. "Woah, did I cause all of this?" he asked, thinking back to him mocking Nefarian. "Hmmm…nah, it was probably that sheep-raping fool Nefarian." With a shrug, he turned around to leave the room and go back to his nice warm throne.

Author's note: Well, I have to say I'm a bit surprised. Three reveiws within a week of posting! That's the most any of my stories have ever got! Thanks everyone. D

Anyways, the next episode will be up anytime from…three to—okay, that's a lie. It will be out whenever I get the inspiration for more crazy Lich King goodness! D


	3. Old World Conservation, Part One

Disclaimer: I like ham. I also like French toast. I do not, however, own either of these food products.

I also don't own any of the names, locations, or weapons of mass destruction in this fan fiction (though the last one would be super cool to own)

Old World Conservation

Part One of Episode Three of the Lich King Saga

The Lich King sat in his throne about a month after the bash. IT had ended with everyone mad at everyone else. Archimonde was especially mad at Arthas, believing he had been the cause of the fiasco. However, before Archimonde got a chance to strangle Arthas, the one day Archimonde was allowed to be alive ended, and he instantly became a corpse again. Arthas then threw pulled off one of Archimonde's arms and used it as a back-scratcher.

Anyways, it was a month after that bash, which I already said, and Arthas was sitting in his throne, which I also said. He was picking his nose at the time when the doors of the throne room burst in. "HOLY CRAP!" he shouted, trying to wipe a booger onto the throne. "I was just, uh, erm…what do you want?"

The one who had entered was none other than Kel'Thuzad, the Archlich. It had been several years since they had seen each other, and the Lich King picking his nose wasn't exactly the greatest way to great an old friend. "Oh, gods," the Lich said.

"Ohh...uh, Kel, nice to see you," Arthas said, still trying to wipe the booger. "Um, what did you need?"

"Well, I didn't need to see that!" Kel said. An unseen studio audience laughed. Kel raised his hands up, and it stopped.

"Oh, I almost forgot about the invisible audience that followed you around, making appropriate noises at the right times to sufficiently set the mood." Arthas said. "Don't they ever get annoying?"

"They do, but they're impossible to get rid of. They're also impossible to see," the Lich replied. The invisible audience laughed. The Lich stopped them. "Anyways, the reason I'm here is because Naxxramas keeps getting raided, and I barely escape each time, being saved only by that stupid loophole in my existence!"

"What? You're still getting raided even though the Burning Crusade has been out for so long?" Arthas asked. "You'd think they'd be raiding Kael'thas or something now!"

"It's those stupid conservative guilds who do honorary runs of old world dungeons. You'd think they could just leave us old raid bosses alone. Oh, and my cat keeps getting killed as well." He said with a sob. "Poor Mr. Bigglesworth." The unseen audience laughed.

"Hmmm…well, it seems that the release of the Expansion Pack didn't give us more power in the old world like I thought it would. In fact, I've gotten reports that my other commanders get killed too!"

"Exactly, and your vacation home in Western Plaguelands was attacked,"

"What? It was hidden in the mountains! Who could have found it?"

"Someone playing a Night Elf Mohawk. Mr. T, or something like that,"

"This is the last straw…I will have my revenge…" Arthas said, thinking. Then, inspiration struck and a light bulb appeared above his head (the light bulb then froze due to the extreme cold). "GRUK! GET IN HERE!"

Gruk walked in dutifully, trying to reattach his arm. "Yes, master?" he asked, using one arm to hold his unattached arm in a saluting position.

"Get some men together. We're gonna go raid."

"Where will we be raiding, master?" the undead servant asked, eager for blood.

"Ohh…you'll see…" the Lich King said, laughing easily. It is said that all of Northrend heard that laugh. For it was the laugh right before the Lich King started his revenge on the Old World Conservative Guilds.

A FEW HOURS OF PREPERATION LATER…

"We're raiding Westfall." Gruk said. "We're raiding Westfall." He repeated. "We have weapons that could rival the U.S.A.'s nuke storage. We have epic loots that won't be released until November of 2008, we have an army so big it could rival your mother's weight, and we're attacking Westfall with it. Wow, we sure have balls." He finished.

"Oh, shut up," Arthas said, shoving Frostmourne into the body of a level 12 human. The 'n00b's' blood fertilized the soil. "It's better than sitting on our butts all day." He said. He dodged an attack from a level 15 Dwarf that probably wouldn't have hurt him anyways, and then killed the Dwarf with a kick to the groin. "Besides, it's really fun!"

Kel'Thuzad stood nearby, arms crossed. He was about as happy as Gruk with this raid. "Gods, I think I'll go emo and slash my wrists," he said. He then raised a hand, and blew up the face of a gnome rogue who was trying to sneak up on him, sending flesh and eye balls all over. "And write songs about how no one likes me," His invisible audience couldn't stop laughing.

Soon the entire town of Westfall was full of dead bodies, both scourge and alliance. The alliance had finally gotten some brains and stopped playing for the day. "Alright, everyone, good job. We successfully owned Westfall," Arthas said. "THIS CALLS FOR A DISCO!" he shouted. A disco ball fell from out of nowhere, and Arthas began doing his manly dance of disco fever. All the undead stood nearby with no reaction. After a few manly minutes of dancing, Arthas stopped. "NOW ONTO PHASE TWO!" he said. With his eyes darting back and forth, he cast a spell. All the bodies on the field started to shake, then reanimate back into living corpses, all of them ready to heed the Lich King's command.

"So, this was just a place to prepare us for our next attack?" Kel asked, eyes hopeful.

"Yes…and our next attack shall damage the fools even more…" Arthas said. Gruk smiled, expecting the Lich King to give the order for an all out attack on Stormwind. However, the Lord of the Scourge had other plans…

A FEW HOURS LATER

"We're attacking Crossroads." Gruk said. "We're attacking Crossroads." He repeated. "We have all those things I mentioned before, as well as an army of undead n00bs, and some…undead chickens that came out of nowhere…and we're attacking Crossroads. What kind of leader have you become, Arthas?"

"Why do I feel like I'm being attacked?" Arthas asked, dodging the blows of ten different horde n00bs at one time. "Oh, wait…" he said, laughing at his own stupid joke. With a sigh, he made all the heads of the n00bs attacking him pop off.

Kal'Thuzad once more stood off to the sidelines, casting a spell here and there. "Man, I really should become emo. Maybe grow my bangs out long and never smile…" he said. With a sigh, he ripped the lungs out of a Blood Elf attempting to sneak up on him. "Wait, I don't have bangs. I'm a skeleton…" he said. His audience continued to laugh at his lame jokes.

As soon as the horde n00bs realized that they shouldn't play for awhile, the raiders gathered up. "This is great, eh, guys!?" Arthas shouted. No one responded, mostly because they couldn't due to lack of vocal cords, but Arthas forgave them. "Now, for the final part of our plan…"

"So this one was also just a way to gain more minions for our attack?" Gruk asked.

"Yes…and now comes the most destructive part of my plan…soon, the Conservative Guilds will have no choice but to stay away from our dungeons…" he said.

A FEW HOURS LATER…

"Sign here, and here, and here," the courthouse clerk said. Arthas did so. "Thank you, Mr.….King, is it?"

"I also go by Menithal," The Lich King said, disturbed by all the alliance nearby.

"Alright, your lawsuit against the guild "Old World Forever" has been filed. We'll contact you in a few days. If no settlement is reached, then it will proceed to become a trial." The clerk said.

"Your plan was to file a lawsuit?" Gruk asked, scratching his head with a limb that probably belonged to some unfortunate n00b.

"Yep," The Lich King said. "Pretty smart, eh?"

"No," Gruk said.

"WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE JUST A SERVANT!" Arthas shouted.

Just then, a member of the guild "Old World Forever" walked into the courthouse, talked to the clerk for five minutes, and then walked out. "Mr. King, please come over here." The clerk said. Arthas walked over. "They've counter-sued you for attacking Westfall. And the guild called 'Horde Old World' has sued you as well,"

"Ohh…crap," Arthas said.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Arthas: Oooo! I hope I win!

Author's Note: Thanks once more to all who support this place! And thanks to the person who added me to author's watch…though I forget your name, you still kick ass! And I hope this update kicks ass for everyone who reads it!

So, you can all expect the next addition in about…three days…or two weeks.


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